The simple art of good listening skills
Every now and then we need to be reminded that it is the simple things in life which hold the most importance. It is not that we don’t know these things – it is just that we need to be reminded.
Good listening skills are one of these. We all know that good communication/understanding is essential for any relationship – but often we forget that this starts with good listening on our part.
No matter what relationship we share – whether it is personal, at work, or with a customer – the quality of that relationship can be enhanced substantially by simply listening more!! It is impossible to truly understand someone else unless we take the time and effort to really listen. This means making sure we are on the same page – we understand what they mean - before we respond with our own ideas.
So what stops us from listening to really understand or “hear” what the other is saying? It is different for all of us – but I will list some of the more common themes:
- We think we have this magical ability to mind read – we know what they are going to say after we have only heard a few words!! This is particularly so for people who we spend a good deal of time with. The reality is that we do have the capacity to think quicker than someone can talk – so if we are not careful we can jump ahead of the conversation in our own head. Not very helpful when our mind reading is not actually what the other wants us to hear.
- We start forming counter arguments in our own head before the other has finished. This is the best way not to understand another and to kill conversation. We judge what they are trying to say really early and then use our superior knowledge/intellect/experience to tell them so.
- We don’t consider the speaker to be of significance – so just can’t be bothered to listen. Unfortunately most of us fall into this trap at some time. Adults can do it to children – bosses can do it to workers – partners can do it to each other. We are more likely to do it if we stereotype the person with our own prejudices. It normally happens when we are not giving enough respect to the speaker.
- It can be hard to listen when we are tired or side-tracked by other important current issues. On these occasions do not pretend – you are only likely to make things worse when it is discovered you were not really listening. Be honest – ask for another time for the conversation.
Remember that communication is more than just hearing the words – it is about understanding what those words mean to the speaker.
Active listening can be hard work and requires the right attitude. That attitude is one of respect and a genuine interest in understanding the person you are talking to. Try these simple steps to enhance your listening skills.
- Pay attention to the person – let them know you are genuinely interested in them. If you are a parent – try it out with your children. Children/teenagers are not use to adults actually paying attention to them and listening – they normally have to perform to get our attention. Try it out with colleagues at work – you might be quite surprised at the responses.
- Listen more than you talk! If you genuinely want to understand the other – you have to let them do most of the talking.
- Actively let them know you are listening – eye contact (if appropriate), nodding the head, small words of encouragement “... I see....okay.... right....” etc.
- If it is an emotionally charged situation – you need to somehow let them know you appreciate the emotional impact it is having on them. You don’t have to be a counsellor – you simply need to be brave enough to be human and show a bit of empathy... simple obvious words such as “I can see that this has upset you....(or), that sounds like it has been hard/difficult... (or), my guess is that this has been pretty frustrating for you...” Use the words that are natural for you and the person you are listening to.
- Check out that you have understood correctly by asking them. “Are you saying...... (or), do you mean that.....(or), have I got it right, you are saying....” There is no right or wrong way of doing this – it has more to do with your genuine desire to correctly understand the other – the actual words you use are secondary.
- If you have listened really well, the ultimate for the person talking is to hear you summarise what they have said – in your own words – and even including how they have been feeling about the situation – and finishing off with ,“have I missed anything”. I wouldn’t suggest you do this every-time you are having a conversation with someone – they might start wondering what you are on! However if the conversation is important – the better you are at understanding the others point of view and you are able to let them know you understand – the healthier that relationship will be.
So take time to notice the importance of the simple things in life – listen well and be grateful for the relationships you share.
Posted: Wed 14 Dec 2011